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A Step Backward?

I ended up in the hospital the day after Thanksgiving after ECT, and stayed until Sunday. I was hypomanic and depressed, often called a mixed mood or dysphoric mania. Suicidal thoughts disappeared after ECT. Just like they did after the first couple weeks of ECT.

I’m hoping for that result again today. After I got home Sunday I was still hypomanic. Then tv shows and my book club book included suicide storylines, triggering fleeting thoughts of my own. No intent. Today was ECT day. The dr was concerned about the lingering hypomania and the recurrence of suicidal thoughts. So I have ECT again Friday because of the suicidal thoughts unless today’s ECT flips me manic, a decided possibility we are all on the lookout for.

Right afterwards I was quite hypomanic. That has waned a bit as the day continued. But… suicidal urges started. One of the drs called to check in with me in the late afternoon. I downplayed the suicidal thoughts. Because I didn’t want her to send me back to the hospital just for thoughts. I’ve got a little intent though, or at least rumination on death leading to desire. Hence, hoping for the ECT to clear up the thoughts again.

Sigh. I hate bipolar.

Where Did This Come From?

I think I’m feeling depressed. I know I’m anxious, and have been taking prn’s to combat it. The racing thoughts I was getting were part of the anxiety of attending so many events with people I don’t know. But depression? I started feeling desperate to make the pain stop and thinking about suicide. I really hope this is a blip, and I’ll go back to feeling stable. It’s possible that the anxiety brought on the feelings of desperation and then the suicidal thoughts. That happened quite a lot when I was hospitalized regularly.

I was going to blog about acceptance of the stability I find myself in, and observing what it is like and what it has to teach me. But here I am. Destabilized for now. I hope it’s a short time. At least I know what to look for as far as taking care of myself.