So I was talking to my therapist, as one does, and we were exploring what to do with the ever-present suicidal thoughts. He had tried getting me to welcome them as just part of the landscape of my mind, something I’m pretty good at doing already. Most of the time I Accept that they are there, and recognize that they are just thoughts. At various and sundry times, intent to follow through on the thoughts accompanies the thoughts, adding fear and a third dimension to what had just been landscape. Then suicidal suggestions become action instigators, and I worry, fret, ruminate and finally find someone to talk to about the thoughts until they become landscape once again.
Even as mere landscape, suicidal thoughts are not at all pleasant. Just live-through-able. I don’t want them. Now, at least. Sometimes I want them and I want to act on them. But 97% of the time, I want them gone.
So I accept their presence, in good ACT fashion (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). The next step, says Wise Therapist, is teaching them some boundaries. In a kind but firm way, order them away. As a small child I was often sent to my room to play, when the parents needed a break. So too, I must send the suicidal thoughts to their room when I need a break. Give myself some breathing room.
Now, we uncovered today that the undercurrent of the suicidal thoughts is the thought that I don’t have a purpose or goals. I have that thought a lot on its own, and it shows up again, subtly, with the suicidal thoughts. I hadn’t noticed it there before! I think if I send the thoughts to their room, then I need other thoughts to think about: my purpose in life and small and large goals. But I don’t have those, I protest!
And I change the subject, to my brother’s very recent colon cancer diagnosis and upcoming surgery (read more here: http://gofundme.com/markfightscoloncancer). Wise Therapist puts together that the same week I struggle with my Christmas Delusion and then persistent and pervasive suicidal thoughts, I manage not to go to pieces over my brother’s diagnosis and am the only family member to keep it together.
See! You do have a purpose! exclaims Wise Therapist. You didn’t set yourself and emotional needs aside, nor did the family situation exacerbate your symptoms so that you freaked out.
I think being steady through a volatile time for my family was the purpose he was getting at. I’m not sure I agree, but it did seem I was holding it together for people. I still don’t have goals or a larger purpose – in my mind – save for doing something interesting every day and surviving, or persisting as my bumper sticker says.
Is that all I need right now? Can I persist with no goals, no hopes, no plans. No real purpose, even for my upcoming trip to Chicago. Is persisting enough?