Category Archives: Moods

Around the Cycle Goes

This week has been up and down and around as my mood, or more my thoughts, cycle through various mental phases.

I started the week with the ever popular Xmas delusion I get every year. Fortunately it lasted only several hours on Xmas Eve when I was in and out of touch with reality. My mood was still in the middle but dipping at times on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day.

Then December 26th, I was back! Mood perky and happy and optimistic. Mere fleeting thoughts of suicide (baseline for me to just have a few).

And then on the 27th, OCD thoughts kicked in and all I could tell myself was plans to kill me. All the time. And again I couldn’t talk about it or tell anyone until my NAMI support group meeting that night. Then I could articulate calling the ECT office to see if getting ECT earlier than scheduled might help. And I could note that I really needed to tell my mom about the OCD suicidal thoughts. And I was encouraged to contact my therapist, who did tell me to contact the ECT office and let them decide if I needed one.

You see, my mood was great! Stable, and in the middle. Not depressed. Not hypomanic. I just had obsessive, albeit dangerous, thoughts. I didn’t know if I would get to a point of having intent though.

When I called the ECT office today, the 28th, I thought the thoughts were less obsessive and therefore farther away from any intent. But later in the day they were just as obsessive and I worry about intent showing up. Or if obsession will finally give way to compulsion in OCD. It never has for me, but will there come a day that the pathology progresses?

My mood is still stable, happy, good, in the middle. It’s just my thoughts. I don’t want to kill myself, I just can’t stop holding it out as a possibility. Obsession. I suppose if I was worried enough, it would warrant a hospitalization. But, again, my mood is great! It’s just the obsessive thoughts.

Sigh.

I hate mental illness.

The Hardest Part of the Year

I’m trying not to over-anticipate the next 10 days. Right now my bipolar is stable and in the middle. (Yay!!) But there’s a full moon, a solstice and a Christmas delusion which all have strong possibilities of messing up my mood, sending me into delicious mania with hallucinations and delusions, or into fateful suicidal depression with plans and intent. Either pole is equally likely.

And full moons, solstices and equinoxes can all mess up my mood pretty good. There’s a moon event and a sun event on this coming weekend, right about the time my Christmas delusion likes to come into play with false beliefs about who I am and what my purpose in life is.

So how do I prepare for a messed up mood, yet take each moment as it comes and let these next 10 days be just another 10 days? I don’t even know how to ask for help for this!!! I feel if I just take each hour, each minute as it comes, and a mood disturbance/episode happens – And I Haven’t Prepared Myself For It – I could fall pretty far off the deep end and it could take months to recover. And to prepare for a mood disturbance/episode feels like walking on eggshells so that at least I’m not blindsided. I don’t know how else to prepare. Help!

Taking a Look Around

I did not go to the hospital for ECT this morning, for all the reasons given in yesterday’s post. I just don’t think the presence of suicidal thoughts that are part of my mind’s landscape on a normal day – given the lack of intent and concrete plans – warrants an ECT treatment. I’m not ruminating on suicide as I do when the pathology is present.

Today I’m taking a look around the landscape of my thoughts and feelings in this new and dazzling place of “somewhere in the middle.” What does it look like to have a sad thought but not be depressed??? I don’t know! But I had one today. What is it like to feel content and happy but not be euphoric and taking risks??? I don’t know! Yet I would use those words to describe my mood today: content, happy.

What else is going on in this mood state? I popped out of bed rather quickly this morning. I’m being more kind and helpful than ordinarily with grocery shopping and cooking and chores around the house. I made extra coffee just because instead of thinking I had no energy for extra anything.

I’m noticing that I have negative self-talk about myself and that I don’t believe the negative things any more. How weird is that? A coping skill since diagnosis over 8 years ago has been positive self-talk and changing negative self-images and thoughts to positive ones. I have found this skill elusive most of the time. I just don’t believe the positive stuff. But today! Today and this week so far, I have only positive things to tell myself. Even when I notice something negative, I’m quick to do a reality check and change what I’m telling myself. What is this new persona, that I tell myself positive things about my image and personality and worth as a human?

Suicidal Perspective

No, I’m not suicidal. At least I don’t think I am. I am scheduled for a 21st ECT tomorrow, but am authorized to call it off and schedule for Thursday instead if I don’t have any symptoms. Which means I’d be down to once a week – and I’d be allowed to drive again. So am I suicidal? Am I paranoid? Am I depressed?

The doctors think the irrational fear manifesting as paranoia is part of the cognitive side effects of ECT. So the presence of some paranoia is not cause for having a treatment tomorrow. I don’t think I’m depressed either; I have been highly motivated to do things and be social this weekend, and my mood is elevated. I don’t believe we’re in hypomania territory either.

Finally there is the ever-present suicidal ideation. They are just thoughts that pop into my head and are easily dismissed, even plans or the occasional desire for death. I’m not ruminating on death or desiring it as I think about it. The desire and intent to follow through just isn’t present. So, yes, I’m having suicidal thoughts – as is usual for me – but I’m not depressed, and the plan(s) are only theoretical, not action plans.

In fact I’m re-reading Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison, about understanding suicide. This read through I’m not looking for ideas or plans or reassurance – or even a reason Not to kill myself. I don’t have a suicidal perspective. My mind is approaching the topic as a curiosity: why would someone think such thoughts or consider such actions? What psychopathology do I manifest when I’m thinking of suicide or taking actions toward it? And while I look with curiosity, thoughts of suicide do pop in and out and I wonder if I am thinking too seriously of suicide and need an ECT treatment tomorrow. My mind’s perspective is not suicidal though, even though I have energy and drive to follow through on plans. I don’t desire death. And, in fact, I wish to desire life. So sometimes I do desire life, and sometimes I wish I did in the midst of suicidal thoughts popping in and out.

But I don’t think I need a treatment tomorrow!

Holding Steady Or Hypomania?

It has been 4 days since my last ECT treatment. I’m not scheduled for another treatment for 2 more days. And my mood will probably hold steady as it has been  more or less during the last 4 days. Yesterday I was talking with someone at church about bipolar and moods and my mood was still stable and elevated even, but I had persistent thoughts of suicide, the way I used to get when I was living alone in Chicago-land. Something about church, or about opening up to people more at church, or something, brings suicide to the forefront of my mind. It hasn’t been this obvious in months maybe? So the mood is still elevated but the thoughts are disordered and considering suicide. I know my brain is lying, as it is wont to do, so I can talk myself out of any intent to follow through on the thoughts. But I am thinking about suicide more than I want to be. The thoughts are intrusive and annoying, and I can easily talk myself out of any intent. There’s a plan, but then there’s always a plan.

My mood is elevated enough that I’ve wondered about hypomania. Energy, ideas, motivation, good cheer – it adds up to possible hypomania. The good news is that I’m not depressed. Hooray! Can this be what a stable, middling mood is for me? If so, it’s higher than I would have expected. Huh.

While I’m getting ECT treatments, I’m not supposed to make big decisions. Nevertheless, I’m thinking big thoughts about my life and how I want to spend it.  A side effect of an elevated mood, that I want to spend my life – and do things that bring me joy?

I’ve been considering the options for where to live: staying in the family house, or moving to the next town, or back to Chicago with a roommate, or even to California where my soul lives (again with a roommate). My family has stepped up to be more supportive as I go through this last hospitalization and ECT.  I’m doing well and maybe that is because I have had all this extra support and therefore I need to accept the current living situation and embrace living in community with my family as I would if I had one or more roommates. I have more discretionary spending power that I could use to fulfill my dreams of travel. And since I’m doing well, I should be able to travel which means I can check out areas to live as well.

Following the travel bug, today I signed up for RewardStock.com that keeps track of all your airline, hotel, and travel miles/points/rewards and helps you put together trips using miles and points and paying next to nothing. So I also signed up for a ton of airline and hotel reward programs, and I applied for my first credit card that earns miles. Hope I get it!

It would be nice to think that maybe I could actually live in community as I have always wanted to, and do it with family and not have ruffled feathers with my family any more (long, long story). And I could travel each year, at least one big trip, or two little trips, and even do it with my mom, too, as a good travel partner.

Other Life Decisions I’ve Been Thinking About But Not Making Final Decisions On: 1. I have a half-full storage unit I pay on each month on the off chance I move out of this family house. Maybe I can have a storage-unit/garage sale or donate the stuff if I’m staying here? 2. I’ve put $3000 into car repairs this year. It’s a 17-year-old Honda Accord and it might be time to trade it in for a car that doesn’t need repairs?

Hypomania anyone?

 

Brighter Affect

Not only am I feeling better – much less depressed – but I am also _looking_ better too. Doctors and nurses are noticing that I look like I’m feeling better. My appearance matches my reported mood. People at church are also noticing my increased mood in how I present myself and speak. In general people are saying I have a brighter affect and more positive aura.

It’s wonderful that I’m looking as good as I’m feeling. In the last week I’ve had to put a number, a percentage, to how I’m feeling. I think I’m about 90%! I still feel a little depressed, lethargic, tired, difficulty concentrating, not enjoying activities. Yet overall my mood is uplifted, nearly happy, and I’m finding some enjoyment and motivation.

I’m dumbfounded at how well ECT is working, and I’m wondering if I chickened out the three times I tried it at Linden Oaks and didn’t get beyond three treatments. I stopped after 8 treatments while at Good Sam because of side effects and memory problems. Now I’m not getting side effects or memory problems, thank goodness. I do have some aphasia, not being able to think of or come up with words for thoughts I get. I’m told it will go away after ECT treatments are over.

Lucky Number 13-ECT

Today I had my 13th ECT treatment. My depression continues to improve! I’ve had 3 ECT’s each week of the last several weeks. My brain is rewiring itself with the seizures, and symptoms are going away. Appetite and sleep are good now when they weren’t a couple weeks ago. Concentration is getting better, and psychomotor agitation and suicidal thoughts have dissipated. I still feel depressed or down every day, and have low energy. I think I’m about 90% better. And the gains are solid through non-ECT days too. Starting next week I’ll be having only 2 treatments each week and decreasing from there too.

Cognitively, the only side effect I’m having from ECT is some aphasia and some slowness putting thoughts together into sentences. My memory is not affected at all this time with ECT. The doctor has been careful to only do right unilateral ECT and not bilateral or bifrontal ECT which led to memory problems last time.

My family is surrounding me with help during this treatment. My brother drives my mom and I to and from the hospital downtown. My mom accompanies me through the several waiting rooms, and I’m discharged to her care. She prepares a sack-breakfast for me for after ECT. She cooks dinners too. My dad cleans up the dinner dishes and the kitchen counters for me.

My therapist asked me what I thought life would be like once these treatments are over. I don’t know if I’ll want to move, and if so, to where – back to CA for geography and culture, back to Chicago area for support system, to somewhere local to the family’s house to remain with their support. I do expect more independence: cooking, laundry, cleaning. But I am considering the benefits of staying with family, living in community.