In Which I Persist

Depression DID kick in after the pulmonary embolisms of New Year’s fame. I’m told that is normal after major heart/lung issues, and so I’m not too concerned. This depression is a little easier than others – no hints of a hospitalization looming! Suicidal thoughts are present, but they are less frequent and less insistent. Plus, I’m so Very Clear that I want to live, as a response to the blood clots that could have done more serious damage. I’m still afraid of dying, and apparently I came close (well, was on the path?), and I don’t want to, despite the lying suicidal thoughts that persist. But I persist harder.

That is my mantra, ever since it was said of Elizabeth Warren, “Nevertheless, she persisted.” I persist. That’s what I do. Call it strength, call it bravery; those are not what I feel. I persist. I wake up everyday into a depressed reality with little to no sense of purpose, and I make a day of it: I do errands. I bill insurance or go to the doctor. I do housework. I watch too much tv. Sometimes I’m crafty or arty these days, as I watch tv. I cuddle my sweetheart. Then I go to bed into broken sleep, despite sleep meds. I wake up the next day to do it again. I persist.

I wish I could do more. I don’t have mental energy for more, even when my body wishes for it. Yet I persist in the belief that I will be capable for more someday. Some days I try. Some days I’m able to add something to errands and do something fun. Or I can go for a short walk to satisfy the itch in my body to move more (This happens infrequently as I live with severe chronic pain after a long spinal fusion as a child).

So even though I’m depressed, I persist. And there is some small glimmer of hope that persisting will lead to something more, someday. Persisting is boring, fwiw. But I’m alive.

6 responses to “In Which I Persist

  1. Good for you, persisting! I call my daily existance without improvement ‘survival of the fittest’.
    Keep persisting and don’t let the mental health goblins conquer you. You’re already ahead of me doing crafts and chores.I am at tiny daily goal stage.
    (I know it sounds like I am trivializing our struggle with that term, but for me, calling my mental health disorders ‘goblins’ takes some of its power away and makes me feel like I have a fighting chance, sorry if it offends.)

    • I used to think in terms of “survival” when the SI was so bad I could barely live at all. So persisting is a step up for me, I think? Tiny daily goals are what I’ve got. It seems trivial against what my others do with bipolar! Work even!

      • morgueticiaatoms

        Have you noticed how we (often unknowingly) belittle ourselves with comments like ‘compared to what others with the same disorder do’? I find myself doing it more often that I’d like and it is unfair to us.
        We did not ask for this. We do not judge people whose bones heal faster so their broken leg keeps them down less time than a slow healer. So why are we so damn hard on ourselves?
        I think it is societal programming.
        We need to accept that in spite of the DSM books used to define the symptoms making us one size fits all…Every person’s struggle/condition is unique to them and so should be the time it takes to heal or regain equlibrium or whatver.
        I think you are doing a fabulous job, so just keep doing it. ❤

  2. Persisting is a very good thing.

  3. Persisting is a good word for the struggles one faces every day during a depression. If one does that for long enough it might just become living.

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