The New Tattoo Is a Sign

I’ve got a lot on my mind – coming out, new committee work, suicidal thoughts and feelings, a new love interest maybe, a new tattoo and that it means I’m in control of my treatment and my body and who I tell what to, filling out end-of-life paperwork. All in all I’m overwhelmed with me, and a bit hypomanic from the mucinex, and together these things are causing me distress. And anxiety. Lots of anxiety. Just doing the paperwork reminded me that doing such things are a symptom of thinking death is near. And of course I’m having such intense and frequent thoughts of suicide, but in a more abstract way, not a concrete plan, thank goodness.

I just need a place I can be fully me, and be cared for, and share my piled-on thoughts with. Right now that place is church. I’m grateful for the people there that accept and care for me, as well as for the opportunity to do something (social justice team) that speaks to my heart’s burden to make the world a better place. It’s a process of becoming, isn’t it? Becoming a stable person with bipolar, becoming someone who loves in different ways, becoming a leader again. I’m generally someone who pays attention to process, and lets it unfold. But when it comes to me, I’m impatient!

That said, I’m hopeful about entering the process of EMDR to end the suicidal thoughts, and I know it could take a while. I’m hopeful about the person I’ll be and the opportunities I can take when I’m no longer regularly hospitalized and don’t have the terrible thoughts. So I suppose I am paying attention to process because I’m looking to the future and I Will allow it to unfold. And there Will Be a Future. I’m going to keep fighting.

7 responses to “The New Tattoo Is a Sign

  1. My daughter and I LOVE your tat, that is so awesome!!!
    Wish you luck with the new treatment. I can’t say I believe in the concept but I’ve had friends who swear it works. Maybe I am just salty that no one around here does it and my insurance won’t pay for it, Idk. I once paid to have my chakras aligned so I am not one to judge, you try whatever you can and hope to find what works. (FYI, chakra alignment was powerless against mental illness, but I was desperate and had the money at the time… just sayin’.)
    Prayers to the sacred pegacorn for you 🙂

    • Thanks-love the place that did it, will definitely go back! I think the EMDR will get to some root issues. It’s based in CBT, which hasn’t been too successful for me, ACT has been better. But it does treat the daily suicidal thoughts as trauma, which I haven’t tried yet. My insurance is treating it as therapy so I guess I’m lucky. I’ve done a little chakra work too, for the trauma of surgeries and the thoughts. Didn’t make a difference except for better awareness. We’ll see about this process!

  2. Fabulous tattoo! I hope the EMDR makes a big difference. xo

  3. You’re so fortunate to have the people of the church be of a great comfort and support to you.
    I wish you all the best of luck and send nothign but hopeful prayers and good vibes your way for the EMDR to do wonders for you.

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