I’m having a hard time telling anyone close to me about my suicidal thoughts. So my therapist told me to write about my feelings. I’m not talking about them because I don’t want them to be real, maybe? I don’t want the ECT to be wearing off? and I don’t want anyone to encourage me to do ECT again? All of that probably.
But I have to remind myself that I’m in a new place with my bipolar and its treatment. I’m in control of my treatment. And if I want to use only medications, then that’s my choice. And if my psychiatrist can’t find medication to help the OCD suicidal thoughts, then I’m back to discussing how to manage them with my therapist and using coping skills.
So here I am using the writing coping skill as instructed by my therapist. I’ve got frequent images of one plan to kill myself in my head, and negative self-talk swirling through my mind. People would be better off without me, type of stuff. I can tell myself my brain is lying, but I still believe the negative self-talk for a while. And when the self-talk and images coincide – as they do regularly – I find myself rehearsing the plan, or starting and then stopping. I really don’t want to die, do I? It’s hard to tell. With all the crap in my head.
I haven’t been able to tell my family, or to contact the Crisis Text Line (741741) or the Natl Hotline (1800-273-TALK). Obviously I contacted my therapist, who told me to write at the minimum. I did tell my church and my online community of friends. After suffering in silence for two days. I’m tired of suffering and I’m scared to tell.