So This Is What My Normal Feels Like

I feel… Balanced. Emotional. In the middle of the two poles, yet still experiencing polar emotions, such as highs where my thoughts zoom and my feelings soar and influence decisions, as well as lows where I again contemplate suicide though never with intent. But I’m never high enough or low enough or there long enough for it to be a mood state.

I haven’t had anything to “talk” about here with my mood so stable. I even had nothing to talk about at my last therapist appointment. Cool changes are going on in my life – new nutritious eating, trying some additional exercise, a new organization membership. All good things, and nothing too particularly about bipolar to write about.

Except maybe this? I’ve talked with a couple people in academia about what I could expect as a PhD student and adjunct or tenured professor so I can decide if I can expect it of myself with this limited brain. I know that “limited brain” sounds like negative self-talk, but in this case it’s self-care because I am learning to accept my limitations and have realistic expectations of myself. A couple of the limitations I have now are that I don’t remember what I read very well (fiction is easier than non-fiction!), and that in conversations or when asked a question I have a hard time coming up with an answer or sorting my thoughts out to sound coherent or finding the right word. So I have a lot to think about to decide if I can do PhD work.

Let’s just enjoy my normal and hope it lasts a while!

2 responses to “So This Is What My Normal Feels Like

  1. I call this ECT brain. ECT really ZAPPED my memory! It also sometimes makes me search for words when I know I should have them available, but just can’t seem to put my finger on them. I have just accepted this as one of the side effects and tried to navigate around it. I do admit to people that I just don’t remember things, but don’t always admit the reason. Good luck in your journey and I’m glad you have found some stable ground to walk on. I can totally relate with being in the middle and not really feeling much, but what can we do?

    • I think you’re right – ECT brain. It started after my first round in 2011 and I swore it off after I lost long-term memories. But ECT brought me stability- twice. I hope the memory and word-finding gets easier!

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