I am living with anxiety: I have coping skills. I have reminders from my therapist. I have a benzo I take 3x/day.
My anxiety was at a 10 on Thursday morning as I met with the doc for the second opinion on ECT, and then with the regular team I see before ECT to talk about the anesthesia trauma and the unbearable anxiety I’m living with. Man, I used every possible coping skill that morning, and I still blubbered all over the place as I talked about what I’m living with.
Ultimately that morning, no final decision was made about ECT. I Did Not Have a treatment that morning. I did not schedule a treatment. I only agreed to talk about the future of ECT and me at a later time when I was calmer an in my own home, not staring at the ECT trappings that reminded me of bad experiences. So Monday I will talk with a person who understands where I am coming from – knowing both the benefits I’ve experienced and the trauma and anxiety I cannot live with.
I was told that there is a med I can take that would drastically reduce my anxiety the day of ECT. And there is something (not sure what – find out Monday) that can be done to prevent anesthesia problems.
I am in the driver’s seat, and I am left with a horrible decision: Do I trust the ECT team with the things they can now do to earn my trust back for smooth ECT experiences, even though they were not offered when I had talked about my experience and great anxiety BEFORE? OR do I stop all ECT, and possibly never do it again, choosing instead to play medication roulette again should my mood waver again or I get suicidal again?
Decisions, decisions. I will get more info Monday.