Well, it’s been a month since I posted! Wow! The good news is that I haven’t had something so pressing, so bothering me, that I needed to write it out and get feedback. ECT is slowing down a bit as we move into maintenance of a stable mood instead of treatment for depression and suicidality. Again, good news! My mood is stable and good – happy even. I want to stop doing ECT because it makes me anxious, but the last time I stopped when I was feeling good, I only had a few months of a good mood. And I’d like to have longer – hence, doing maintenance (once a month ECT for a while).
During this good, happy, stable mood period, I’ve been working on motivation by exercising in the pool some, taking a short personal enrichment class online, reading a bit more, and working on becoming conversant in Spanish instead of just a reader of Spanish who needs a vocabulary lesson or two. Hooray for me! And yet I still watch way too much tv and have little to do and feel so very unmotivated. I’m giving myself credit for all that I am doing though, and for using my support system to help me with all of it.
Then there’s the anxiety I struggle with. I’ve cancelled get togethers or not gone to my support group because of anxiety. I’m trying to get help with living with the anxiety from my therapist and my mom. I’ve struggled to commit to a self-enrichment class (online) that lasts for 8 weeks because of anxiety about whether it was too much for me to accomplish at this time in my life. I finally came to some peace about it and committed to it. I think it will help me A Lot with finding joy and peace and motivation.
Then there’s the ongoing anxiety concerning the community college chemistry classes I signed up for – and paid a pretty penny for. Back when I was feeling good in January and February, I applied to the local community college, signed up for a summer class (which I ultimately dropped because the syllabus was boring), and signed up for fall and spring’s chemistry 1 and 2 with lab. I was trusting myself that my brain could learn again (there’s been some question) and remember things in order to learn again, and that I could handle the schedule of driving, class time, and lab right after class too.
In reality, I have anxiety about all of this, ongoing, that I have to talk myself out of, that this week became almost debilitating. And then in April I had a huge setback with my mood so that I was hospitalized and started ECT again. NOW I’m feeling better and stable again (yay!) but still anxious about these dang chemistry classes!
Long Story Short: I found science classes on Coursera.org – for free! – that started this week where I will get short lectures, readings, occasional quizzes, and discussion opportunities. I get the chance to study chemistry, etc. – with professors – at home. Anxiety drastically lessened as pressure on schedule, brain ability, and even pocketbook was reduced. So I dropped the community college classes and await my refund – and come to terms with how mental illness has yet again changed my plans, and I am again taking care of myself to avoid problems later. Maybe when I’ve been stable for longer, and maybe anxiety isn’t triggered by stress so easily, I can take traditional classes, if that’s a path I want to take in the future (cough, cough – my dream of a ph.d).