Sick, But Well

I am still steady, stable, in the middle with my mood! I have more energy. I wake up ready for the day. I have hope that I can do things in my life, not just have energy for them now, but also not be interrupted by a hospitalization. I haven’t felt this good perhaps ever!

But.

But I continually have breakthrough bipolar symptoms. I have obsessive suicidal thoughts and visions of me killing myself in one of several ways. (Sorry to be graphic.) I get anxious over little stuff. I get overwhelmed with too much stimuli, like too much driving or being in line at the pharmacy with lots of people around. I wake up too early sometimes and can’t get back to sleep.

The most distressing of the symptoms remains the intrusive, suicidal thoughts that are accompanied by such unhelpful thoughts as the world would be better without me, I don’t add much to anyone’s existence in any kind of unique way, and I would rather just check out and find eternal unconscious sleep. See? Unhelpful accompanying thoughts, besides visions of killing myself.

Then today I heard the Matchbox 20 song “Unwell” on the radio, and I’m again realizing that I am sick. I have bipolar (and other medical and mental illnesses), and it doesn’t go away. I’m always making allowances for how my brain works, whether fighting against how hard it is to concentrate or remember, or fighting against intrusive or obsessive or earworm thoughts. Bipolar runs my life.

But…my mood is stable now, for however long I get to have one. So, am I sick, or am I well? How is it that I have an even, good mood that lets me hope for a good future AND I have obsessive suicidal thoughts? AND near constant anxiety that breaks through regularly? And other symptoms? Am I sick, or am I well?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s