No ECT!!!

I showed up for my scheduled ECT this morning. And in the pre-screen I talked about how well I’m doing, back to baseline on everything. Somehow the conversation twisted and the PA asked if I even wanted a treatment today. Um, NO!

I waited an agonizing 5+ minutes while she talked with the treating psychiatrist. They agreed I was doing well enough not to have a treatment! I’m to call in a week for a phone screen to see if I’m still doing well or if I need a treatment. If I’m doing fine, they will discharge me and I can get the port out of my chest (used to access a vein easily since IV’s are hard to get on me).

Hooray! I celebrated my unexpected free day and good prognosis with a ginormous mocha from the coffee shop in the hospital lobby.

I also saw my regular psychiatrist today to ask about the fine tremors I have developed in my hands. But, I got to gloat about how well I was feeling. And I was shocked to be doing so well that he wanted to see me next In Three Months(!).

Even as I’m feeling well, and stable, and Good, I’m worried about the bottom falling out and plunging into suicidal depression for the millionth time. My doctor encouraged me not to worry about what might happen, and even to make a video or add to my mirror post-its that Yes, I was doing well. Something to help remember if (when?) things get bad, that I had been healthy and it would happen again.

Why do I expect suicidal depression to come again? Just because it has been a companion I could count on? And I got as good as one could get at dealing with it healthily?

How about I have no freaking clue how to be in a good space? I’m worried that the increased energy I feel is mania, and that the only way I have to express how good I’m feeling is to talk too much or to spend money. Both of those are things I do when I’m manic, yet I’m not manic.

I just don’t know how to be healthy! What are behaviors You have when You are healthy?

3 responses to “No ECT!!!

  1. I realize you wrote this a while ago but I just saw it today as I havent had much time to read blogs lately. Thank you for sharing this. I hope you are doing well still. AfterI read this it reminded me how ECTs helped me significantly (in fact saved my life essentially) and were the only treatment that really ever helped me (Psychotropic medications didn’t help me very much and affected me adversely usually). I know it is hard to know what feeling good is. After twenty five years it was hard for me but finally I am mentally well for the most part and feel better than I ever have since I was first diagnosed. I have been completely med. free for almost a year now and I feel better than ever. MY p-doc does not know why. I just wanted to share this with you to let you know it can get better and recovery I possible. I am living proof. I am not sure how long this will last. I still have struggles but overall I am better than ever. Please enjoy feeling well and know without a doubt it is possible to fell good again. It took me 25 years but it was well worth it. Much love and hugs, Sue

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