This week has been up and down and around as my mood, or more my thoughts, cycle through various mental phases.
I started the week with the ever popular Xmas delusion I get every year. Fortunately it lasted only several hours on Xmas Eve when I was in and out of touch with reality. My mood was still in the middle but dipping at times on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day.
Then December 26th, I was back! Mood perky and happy and optimistic. Mere fleeting thoughts of suicide (baseline for me to just have a few).
And then on the 27th, OCD thoughts kicked in and all I could tell myself was plans to kill me. All the time. And again I couldn’t talk about it or tell anyone until my NAMI support group meeting that night. Then I could articulate calling the ECT office to see if getting ECT earlier than scheduled might help. And I could note that I really needed to tell my mom about the OCD suicidal thoughts. And I was encouraged to contact my therapist, who did tell me to contact the ECT office and let them decide if I needed one.
You see, my mood was great! Stable, and in the middle. Not depressed. Not hypomanic. I just had obsessive, albeit dangerous, thoughts. I didn’t know if I would get to a point of having intent though.
When I called the ECT office today, the 28th, I thought the thoughts were less obsessive and therefore farther away from any intent. But later in the day they were just as obsessive and I worry about intent showing up. Or if obsession will finally give way to compulsion in OCD. It never has for me, but will there come a day that the pathology progresses?
My mood is still stable, happy, good, in the middle. It’s just my thoughts. I don’t want to kill myself, I just can’t stop holding it out as a possibility. Obsession. I suppose if I was worried enough, it would warrant a hospitalization. But, again, my mood is great! It’s just the obsessive thoughts.
I hate mental illness.