No, I’m not suicidal. At least I don’t think I am. I am scheduled for a 21st ECT tomorrow, but am authorized to call it off and schedule for Thursday instead if I don’t have any symptoms. Which means I’d be down to once a week – and I’d be allowed to drive again. So am I suicidal? Am I paranoid? Am I depressed?
The doctors think the irrational fear manifesting as paranoia is part of the cognitive side effects of ECT. So the presence of some paranoia is not cause for having a treatment tomorrow. I don’t think I’m depressed either; I have been highly motivated to do things and be social this weekend, and my mood is elevated. I don’t believe we’re in hypomania territory either.
Finally there is the ever-present suicidal ideation. They are just thoughts that pop into my head and are easily dismissed, even plans or the occasional desire for death. I’m not ruminating on death or desiring it as I think about it. The desire and intent to follow through just isn’t present. So, yes, I’m having suicidal thoughts – as is usual for me – but I’m not depressed, and the plan(s) are only theoretical, not action plans.
In fact I’m re-reading Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison, about understanding suicide. This read through I’m not looking for ideas or plans or reassurance – or even a reason Not to kill myself. I don’t have a suicidal perspective. My mind is approaching the topic as a curiosity: why would someone think such thoughts or consider such actions? What psychopathology do I manifest when I’m thinking of suicide or taking actions toward it? And while I look with curiosity, thoughts of suicide do pop in and out and I wonder if I am thinking too seriously of suicide and need an ECT treatment tomorrow. My mind’s perspective is not suicidal though, even though I have energy and drive to follow through on plans. I don’t desire death. And, in fact, I wish to desire life. So sometimes I do desire life, and sometimes I wish I did in the midst of suicidal thoughts popping in and out.
But I don’t think I need a treatment tomorrow!