New Hospital…and ECT Again

I have been staring into the abyss for two weeks. I have been very close to suicide, even in the hospital, where I am right now. I didn’t get to take my Chicago vacation because I was in a New And Good hospital. Excellent doctors and staff, comfy bed, decent food.

And still I struggle with life and death. It is deeply agonizing. Good doctors have taken me off three of my meds and added one. Med changes are miserable but usually necessary. One thing to discern is whether my suicidal visions are from depression or OCD, reopening an old argument. I want the death, but the visions come unbidden. So the argument remains.

With only a little persuasion, I have agreed to a full course of ECT – 12-20 sessions, three days a week. Yes, I have had bad experiences such as long-term memory loss and cognitive loss. I’m at the end of meds I can I can try. I’ve been told I’ve taken enough that I have a 5-10 percent chance of Any working at this point. I never did a full series of ECT before so I don’t know if it will work. I’m going risk further memory and cognitive issues because sometimes I want to live.

I need your love and support. I’m very alone at the edge of the abyss.

10 responses to “New Hospital…and ECT Again

  1. I hope the new treatment works! Good luck!

  2. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.

  3. Hang tough. I had about 50 ect treatments. Totally agree with the loss of memory, but ask yourself if the trade off is worth getting out of the gutter of depression? For me I was totally over being med resistant after trying every med on the market with no luck. I have now been stable for four years. Still ride in the lower level mood wise, but happy to be free of hospital stays that is for sure. I followed my ect treatments up with ketamine infusions which really seemed to help, but they would only due those for a short period of time. I wish you well and much success with the ect helping you.

  4. You have my love and support. Please stick with the ECT treatments. My mother had unremitting depression and ECT worked for her. Just wait and see please. I wholeheartedly hope the treatments work. You are not alone, I am here with you. Lots and lots of love.

  5. Sending love. Sending support. Thinking of you. Praying that you’re In good, good hands.

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