Bipolar Me

I wrote about whether decisions were made by me, or by bipolar, a few days ago here. I was conflicted about my own decision-making over the years, especially by those decisions I now know to be poor ones. Today I came to new insight with the help of a wise one. I decided to let myself off the hook and let decisions made by bipolar moods stand as they are. If I was manic, I was manic, and the decision is from bipolar. There is a “bipolar me” that has been working in the background basically my whole life. As my mood fluctuated – regularly – I made decisions and experienced life with this persona. Bipolar me did crazy things and poor things, and sometimes there was good that came out of it. And sometimes not. But there is a bipolar me that is in ascendancy most of the time. There is no “me” and “bipolar.” There is bipolar me.

I’m just getting to understand a little bit about this bipolar me. She, if there is a gender, tries to make decisions with her gut, which doesn’t work most of the time. Though it is the seat of compassion and the infamous “gut instinct” that people tout, I can’t trust it. It has brought me heartache and mistakes, and it has led bipolar me to get close to suicide, oh, at least a few dozen times. My brain I can’t trust as it is sick with broken neurotransmitters and lies to me daily, often through gut instinct. But my chest, where my heart and lungs lie, has brought me out of danger with reason and with a survival instinct. It reminds me that all bodies and consciousnesses strive to stay alive. I can trust that. I know that my heart and lungs will work until my dying breath – hopefully later rather than sooner (when I’m thinking from my chest and not from my gut, which says the opposite at least once a day).

My goal is to understand bipolar me as a sentient being. What does it mean that I am bipolar All.The.Time. and have been for decades? What does that mean for making decisions into the future, i.e., can my gut and brain be retaught or retrusted when stability is finally reached?

So cheers to bipolar me! Now I have an answer to who has been responsible for my life. It’s bipolar me. And sometimes the mood has pushed me into unhealthy decisions, and sometimes I’ve thought with my chest and made better ones. But I’ve been bipolar the whole time, and that’s who I am.

6 responses to “Bipolar Me

  1. This is a lovely post. Thank you for writing and sharing this as I needed to hear this. I sometimes visit the past, especially one horrible decision the bipolar me made. I beat myself up for it because of that one decision my life became much more difficult and had many negative ripple effects. Thank you for this post. It helped me realize I can and should forgive myself even though it is very hard. I try not to visit the thought but thank you for giving me a better perspective on it. It helps to remember I am not alone and that one decision most likely did have a lot to do with my bipolar and the life I was living at the time because of my bipolar and PTSD. This was very well written as usual and it was helpful for me to read tonight. I needed this. Thank you. Hugs, Sue

    • Thank you. I’ve been beating myself up for years about so many decisions, most when I was manic, hypomanic or depressed, all throughout my life. It was so helpful today to become acquainted with Bipolar Me.

      • Yes. Thank you again. My fateful decision did happen when I was manic for sure. It is so hard to forgive ourselves but it is imperative to be kind and forgive ourselves. Forgiveness is necessary for our recovery. It helps so much to know I am not alone. Thank you again. You are a blessing. Much love and more hugs, Sue

  2. Thank you for sharing…I remember one time I told my doctor I felt like two different people…he didn’t understand

  3. Pingback: Time to Move? | Suddenly Bipolar

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