A lot is going on in my head right now. Regret over decisions made, decisions I’m (wrongly?) chalking up to bipolar moods, calling it a sick brain that has led me to where I am today. All of this was refuted, well, by my therapist today.
Cultivating curiosity in my past because of prompts from a book has led me to judgment rather than increased curiosity or empathy, or even self-compassion. It’s as though all I can see is young me making decisions that may have been influenced by bipolar or just by youth. Can’t tell. I see a little bit older me trying out discernment but now questioning the decisions I made based on careful deliberations and consultation, and instead see only bipolar. I see current me managing bipolar as my whole life.
Not a lot of optimism here, folks.
I think more slowly and make fewer connections than I used to. I don’t think my intuition is working anymore, since diagnosis. I can’t trust what my brain is doing, throwing out mood states and lies one day, and then out of nowhere I get a month of stability for the first time EVER, only to have it ripped away by med changes again. I’m told that having trouble thinking can partly be a side effect of meds. OK. It can partly be aging. Not that I’m old, just entering middle age actually. I guess I’m ok with that? I haven’t heard that as a “symptom” of aging at this stage. I definitely have had trouble thinking ever since a hysterectomy led to menopause brain, but nothing as drastic as after falling precipitously from the manic episode into a suicidal depression that led to a bipolar diagnosis.
Nothing leads to saying I have a sick brain. But isn’t that what bipolar disorder is? Neurons are firing when they shouldn’t or not firing when they should, both of which affect mood states and functioning – and thinking. Medically I have a sick brain, and I’ve had one for 20+ years. My mood states have fluctuated regularly. How can I trust that _I_ made the decisions all through my life, and not bipolar mood state me? And if it was bipolar me, do I hold myself accountable for those decisions, or discount them as bipolar brain?
None of this was adequately answered for me today. My therapist, I think, tried to get me to understand that I am not a bipolar brain, though we joked at the beginning that you can think you’re in control and then – boom! – your brain says it is. So which is it? Is it an existential _I_ making the decisions, or a medically sick brain decidedly influencing the decisions?
We didn’t get as far as answering that question. He did encourage me to be curious about the good that came out of the decisions and not just question and judge the decisions. I still can’t be sure it wasn’t a sick brain that made them.