My anxiety from the last week’s venture into too much socializing never went away. It’s worse right now as I’m in the middle of a med change as well. Sigh. It’s my life with bipolar to always be in a med change. And mood switches. Both of which lead to increased anxiety. No wonder I’m always anxious. I’m so much more anxious right now. My thoughts are jumbled too. Racing, but jumbled too. My prn only works to a small degree. Sigh.
My therapist wants me to relax. I told him I don’t know how. I’ve always been on edge, even as a child. Always oriented to the next thing, never resting on my laurels. Maybe for a few minutes, but always focused on what the next hurdle or life event would be. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m over anticipating a manic August. I get them every other year or so, and this is a manic year, if all goes according to history. I’m scared shitless. I could just as easily stabilize with the new meds and be fine. Or I could go off the deep end with delusions and lying and risky behavior. Both are probable in my mind. I’m doing way too much future-telling whether a stable one or a manic one. And don’t forget I could go against type and end up depressed. My moods do what they will. I have no control over them. The only constant is anxiety through it all.
Anxiety Schmanxiety. I just looked at a new apartment complex near my family’s house. A first floor one-bedroom is ridiculous! It’s more expensive than the luxury apartments a mile away. But I really won’t know how much I have to spend until I know what if anything I owe in taxes for 2018, and therefore, what I need to set aside in 2019. Anxiety schmanxiety. So my mom recommended we wait until after Christmas season and then see where everything stands. Tax season would start and then I would know more. So I guess I’m in my family’s house for the long haul at this point. I guess that’s ok. Not what I expected, but I guess what I need. That time frame gives me time to get into cooking more for myself and getting back into healthy routines. I haven’t worked out this week. Just haven’t felt up to it. But I need that structure.
Please let me know if my posts make sense together, or if just each paragraph makes sense, or if even each paragraph seems scattered. My therapist and I were analyzing artwork that was indicative of a jumbled mind. I want to know if my writing is jumbled too. I feel it is.