My mood is better than the last few days – I think. I can’t tell with these racing thoughts. Mid-afternoon coffee didn’t help my anxiety or racing thoughts, but that’s what I did. Now I have to live with the consequences. Darn that caffeine addiction!
I no longer want to kill myself. I didn’t have to call my therapist or psychiatrist about that one. I made the decision that I’m not going to do anything. I think I was able to do that because I was already feeling better. In the midst of trying to manage anxiety and depression, I get caught up in the pain, and death seems the only way out. It’s a very, very dark place.
I’m in a lighter, more rapid place now. I still feel a little depression. Mostly I feel anxious and spinning in my thoughts. It’s hard to pinpoint them through the constant earworms. I’ve tried a prn several times for the anxiety and racing thoughts, to no avail. I just end up tired, with only a little reduction in anxiety. Maybe it’s the wrong anti-anxiety med again, since I’m not taking it regularly anymore. Maybe now I need a fast-acting one with a shorter half-life since I’m taking it for bouts of anxiety. Something to ask my new psychiatrist tomorrow.
Spiritual angst still plagues me. I see a spiritual director for a meet and greet on Wednesday. I wish some wisdom would magically fall from the sky and I wouldn’t feel so torn all the time about the polar tugs. Do I keep my ordination identity, or do I move on? Or do I eschew spiritual practice altogether until there is some resolution? These are just some of my racing thoughts.
I wanted to focus on acceptance of the new stable mood I found myself in, and leaning into it instead of questioning when the other shoe of a mood switch would drop. Well, I think it did, and I’m depressed again. I keep hoping I’ll wake up and be stable again. I think that’s a realistic hope. I might find stable again. Or I’ll be stuck here until the inevitable August mania occurs. Why do I think the mood shifts are so predictable and ubiquitous? I expect to feel poorly and to suffer with one or the other. Is it because my whole experience of bipolar so far has been in a mood state? Unbalanced mood is the only bipolar I know. Until now. Now I’ve experienced a sense of stability and happiness that I hadn’t know for decades. And now I feel I wasted it by waiting for the other shoe to drop. How careless of me!