A Unique Time

My mood has been stable for 3 weeks now. No depression, no mania. Just somewhere in the middle, rather happy. I also still have a clear mind, no more racing thoughts, a highly irregular occurrence. I can’t remember EVER when my thoughts haven’t been racing. (Like the double negative there? I couldn’t figure out how to say it otherwise…)

I’m really loving this feeling of happy. I wish I had been in this place before. It’s been 8 years since diagnosis, and I’ve been in and out of the hospital with depression or mania since then. Depression has been my most common companion. When I started feeling depressed last month, I knew the feeling. I was used to the feeling. I could function well enough with that feeling although it wasn’t a pleasant existence.

Before diagnosis I don’t remember when I was happy. I was manic right before the first hospitalization for suicidal depression that led to diagnosis. Before mania, I was frustrated with work and frustrated with my marriage. Those were regular and recurring frustrations. I was frustrated with myself for making decisions I wasn’t sure about. Looking back I don’t know when I wasn’t striving for something to be going better. I was never happy. I also always had racing thoughts. Always striving, always thoughts racing, except for the couple times in my life when I was depressed.

This is a unique time in my life when my mood is stable and my thoughts are still. I can tell what I’m thinking and I’m happy. I don’t know this place. It’s uncharted territory for me. Plus l have time to figure out who I am in this new place. Maybe it’s good I don’t have any volunteer jobs right now. Focusing on places to volunteer or where to go to church is a way of striving again. Instead I can spend the time pondering my values and seeing what I like. I’m good at introspection. But I don’t want to just be navel gazing all day. I’m not sure how to do this. And I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? I can make decisions in this clear place, such as how I want to be and how to do things. I’m scared.

Stay tuned for more about being stable.

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