Reflections #7

Another day of seeing what I’m thinking because my thoughts are racing so fast I don’t know what thoughts I’m having.

I did some art therapy today. It was a self-evaluation exercise to see what place I am in my life right now. I did some doodling, then wrote a little: “This period began with a move. That transition is now over. It’s a time now of transition and change. What kind of person do I want to be? I’ve lost independence and I’m trying to gain some through activities. Each day revolves around family, and I want it to revolve around me. It’s a time of transition and change. Or I could slump. I don’t want to slump. I want to stay vibrant, like the primary colors of blue and yellow. My mood is finally stable, and elevated. Two hospitalizations later. But I was showing self-compassion by going.”

I’m not sure what I gained by doing the exercise. Just some self-reflection, which I’m trying to do on my blog anyway. I guess the takeaway was asking the question of what kind of person I want to be, and that I don’t want to slump, that I’d prefer to be vibrant. I’m at a point where I could go either direction. I would prefer to stay active. I need to be active. I’m not ready to be a retired person. Hence, volunteering. I could really use some volunteering this week when I don’t have much going on. I need some things to do, to live for.

I wish the cat rescue I volunteered for in Illinois had an office here, or that I could find a similar rescue. I visited the one I would consider volunteering for, but I didn’t like it very much. I wasn’t feeling the passion that I did at the previous rescue. I don’t want to just scoop boxes either. I’d like to be an adoption counselor/screener which I was just learning to do when I left the state.

So this is the end of my first week of blogging every day to try to see what my thoughts are. I’m not sure I’ve learned what they are, other than that I can put a few sentences together on a topic if I write it out. I’m not able to do that speaking right now. Mumbled answers feels about it. I’ve got jingles and songs in my head, lines from shows, vague thoughts about sensations in my body, circling thoughts about stimuli I see or hear in the environment, grinding teeth going on (a new symptom that started after I began a new med a month ago). I can’t even read articles and like things on Facebook. It’s too much to think about. I have been able to scan instead of read. I finished an easy book. I have a harder one I want to read. Not sure just scanning it will work though. I wonder if I can read it.


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