Reflections #4

Another day of trying to see what I’m thinking. It’s hard to piece thoughts together. I’ve got brain fog from so many thoughts swirling through my brain.

Went on some errands with mom today. At least I got out of the house. That’s what errands are for, I guess.

Typing on the computer, I automatically use touch typing with the qwerty keyboard that I learned in high school. I don’t even think about or look at what my fingers are doing. Then, when I blog from my phone, my index finger just knows the abc alphabet now. Either way my brain slows down a little. But I spell words in my head on the abc keyboard.

I’m liking my rearranged room better than I thought. I think I just like my desk being in here and the treadmill in a different room. And my closet only has my stuff in it. Not a hope chest, tons of Christmas stuff, AND my stuff. So I’m feeling more at home.

Still waiting to hear from Refugee Services of Texas and from NAMI about their next training for facilitators. It would be nice to have more to do. It’s like all I’m doing is waiting for the next thing to drive my mom to, or for an appointment with my therapist. I need more activities in my life. Besides working out for a half hour a day. Each day I’m just waiting for meals. No way to live. I’m not really living if all I’m doing is waiting. I need more friends too. Not sure how to do that when everyone works and/or has kids. Plus I only know a handful of people. I wish I had an interesting job. I wish I could hold a job. Sigh. I haven’t been able to hold a volunteer job even. Double sigh. This bipolar crap sucks.

My mood has been stable today. That’s good. I guess it doesn’t need a judgment word like “good.” It just is. Just like on days when it is unstable or low, it’s not “bad,” it just is. I have learned to think of specific ways to describe my mood – stable or unstable, depressed or hypomanic, in the middle with variations according to feelings in the moment. All of these I use instead of “good” or “bad” moods. Take the judgment out of terms used to describe. There is no moral value to my moods. They are just what they are. I’ve learned descriptors.

You can tell by reading this that my thoughts are bland and more scattered today. I suppose that’s what my thoughts have been like on other days, yet they coalesced around a few topics more than today’s have. You can see why I don’t blog everyday. I don’t have much of interest to talk about unless I have a topic, an event, or a mood that has stuck out or needs to be processed. I have a greater facility with words for sorting life out, than using numbers (like sudoko?) or using art therapy things. I do have a long list of art therapy activities to draw on. It’s time to pull them out and see what my thoughts do in the art world.

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