Reflections #3

Day 3 of 14 for seeing what my thoughts are. They are racing so badly I don’t know what I’m thinking. I hope writing them down helps me get a clearer picture. I might be all over the place though.

Today is an off day. I usually have those on Sundays. I think about my split religious affiliation that causes me distress. And I am more reflective in general as I encounter spiritual texts and see what they mean for my life. Sometimes they are uplifting, but mostly they are academic to me for I don’t know how long. So I’m not really getting anything from readings. I can’t say I’m getting much from church these days, the songs, the texts, the ritual. I did talk with several people though, which IS uplifting to my spirit. Connecting with people helps me get out of the doldrums.

I did start thinking about suicide again today. I think when my mood is down, I start thinking about it again. It is all abstract. I have no intent. As usual I know exactly how I would do it. I fantasize about other ways I could do it too, but I am chicken or I don’t have the means to do it. As I said, I have no intent, just intense feelings and pervasive thoughts. It’s not pleasant at all.

I feel at a loss about what I can do for my country, or even my state. I don’t think my party can win anything in this state, though I have done my small part to make that happen. I could do more by volunteering for the party. It’s blasted hot and I get overheated with quickly with my meds, thus protesting and showing up for marches and parades is difficult for me. I’d like to show my support, though. I feel at a loss over what I can do.

I think by volunteering with refugees I will do something for my desire to do Something. I can be on the ground helping people directly. I have the education and background that is unusual to come by, so think I will be an asset to the organization. If they ever call me back. It was a few days before a holiday weekend when I called. I’ll call again when everyone is back from vacation. Or maybe they have a volunteer who does the volunteer coordination.

Now my thoughts are racing so fast I don’t know what I’m thinking again. I don’t have anymore to say, I guess.


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