I barely have strength or ideas to write this. But I am forcing myself to do things these days. Hence, a blog post.
I cycled from hypomanic to slightly depressed last week. Just woke up that way. Slightly depressed was my baseline mood state for 7 years. Last year I think I found mid-point and circled around it in a healthy way. All that to say that Slightly Depressed feels familiar, though uncomfortable. And that is what I dealt with last week.
Then over the weekend I got more depressed, including increased suicidal thoughts and feelings. I felt so alone. Even though I live with family, I find it hard to share my mood states and feelings with them, much as it was hard to share them with my ex-husband when we were married.
So I felt alone. I did reach out to a friend from the last place I lived. She was helpful. But posting on Facebook and getting responses, and texting with someone far away, is not the same as in-your-face presence. I really do need to say something to my mom when my mood shifts or I feel suicidal or that I’m hypomanic and irritable. And I have to tell her everyday, since I can cycle to something new overnight, apparently.
One reason I struggle is that I don’t feel comfortable with an audience, which some people in the family feel like to me since they offer nothing in the way of support or acknowledgment. It’s hard to bear your soul to someone when you don’t feel comfortable that your thoughts and feelings will be safe and cared for. I guess that’s why texting has always felt more comfortable to me. When I text I know body language won’t give more away than I want as well. Just for the record, I do share everything with my therapist. I guess I don’t want to get hurt or betrayed, and that is why I find it hard to share with friends and family in person.
I guess that’s all I have energy for today. Time for depressed me to crawl back into a hole.