Not Settled In

I still feel like a stranger in what is supposed to be my home. It’s been 2 months. But I was here for a total of 4.5 months before that in large and small spurts. I guess I always knew I was going “home.”

And now I feel stuck emotionally. It’s not my place. I have a bedroom and bathroom to call my space. All other space belongs to someone else even if they welcome me into it. It’s still not mine. And I can’t watch my shows except on the tv in my room. I guess that’s good. At least there’s a way to record them and watch them.

I feel segregated off in my room. I tried to use the kitchen last night and this morning, and I was an imposter who somehow was in the way.

I’m an imposter segregated in my tiny space in this gargantuan house. Even that room feels like a borrow though. It’s not my space.

I’m not sure how to make any of it my space. I don’t have art or pictures to put up. I’m always in someone’s way or space.

This sucks. And I’m not ready financially or emotionally to move out. Not that I’m getting much support these days.

8 responses to “Not Settled In

  1. I feel for you, bipolar sister. I am an artist – mostly photography – but if you want any free prints of any of my photos you like I’ll send the prints to you. Just let me know if you wanna take me up on this, I’ve loved your blog/honesty for a long time and I’d love to be able to help you make it a little more “your burrow” if I can.

  2. Hello. I was wondering and hoping you would be interested in sharing your story to include as part of my mental health campaign to increase awareness and end stigma. I would really like to read your story and know it would be a fabulous addition to my feature. Here is a link that explains it –  You don’t have to participate, if you are not comfortable or too busy etc. No pressure and no rush. Your story can be one you wrote before or as long or short as you would like. Thank you and have a fabulous day. Much love and hugs, Sue

  3. Hi, I stumbled onto your blog whilst searching for bipolar related podcasts as I am having a weird day and needed some content I could relate to in order to calm myself.

    Anyway, this particular most, especially having been so recent, I can personally relate to and just wanted to give you some encouragement.

    I am 33 and was diagnosed when I was 19. About 18 months ago I left my husband of 13 years and moved myself and my 2 small children into my mother’s home (thank goodness she was there to help). For a year I lived in a bedroom. My kids lived in another bedroom. My mom was very loving and welcoming, but it wasn’t my house.

    I know that feeling. That cramped, everything is in my bedroom and I have no space to barely breath sort of feeling.

    I plummeted into this weird rapid cycle between depression and mania. If I didn’t have my kids, I wasn’t at the house and when I was at the house, after the kids went to bed, I was on my phone, in my bed, ignoring everything around me. It was terrible.

    My advise is this, make small changes that make you feel comfortable. For me it was being sure the room was organized (which is not easy considering I had an entire life’s worth of things in a single bedroom). It wasn’t easy, and I didn’t keep up on it like I should have, but it helped.

    I finally got on my own two feet and just purchased my 1st home. For that, I am thankful. I didn’t think I would ever get out of that rut.

    Anyway, I guess this is really just a long way of saying, it gets better. I figured out how to support myself physically, emotionally and financially. There is a light at the end of this, I promise.

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