Anxiety Blows

I am struggling with an extraordinary amount of anxiety – 8-9 on a scale of 10. It has been high since October before I tried living on my own again. But with the move to Texas, the anxiety has been my constant companion and consistently high. And so I am in a day program to deal with mood lability, anxiety, and depression.

Today in program I had a nice meltdown about my anxiety. I figured a few things out. It’s related to losing my independence because I feel that I’m a failure at taking care of myself. The bipolar and anxiety and depression have won and I’m failing. I’m buying into the stigma that mental illness is a moral failure or weakness of character.

It doesn’t matter that I would tell people that their illness is biological and a disease they had no say in contracting. It doesn’t matter that I would tell people that asking for help and getting more support is a strength not a weakness. It doesn’t matter that I would tell people that living with mental illness is brave and courageous.

Because deep down inside I don’t believe it. I‘m a failure at living independently and taking care of myself. I don’t deserve nice things. And even with medications and coping skills, I still don’t have relief from anxiety due to all this.

Please don’t try to convince me otherwise. I probably won’t believe you either. The bipolar has won.

2 responses to “Anxiety Blows

  1. I feel like I’m reading one of my own journal entries. I feel the exact same way. To anyone else, I would be positive and supportive and encouraging. But when it comes to me, I just feel like I’m lazy or unstable or… as you said, a failure. I can’t stand to be alone and I used to love it being alone. I pay for an apartment that I’m never in. I have to be around people, but away from them at the same time. Even then, I feel like I’m a problem or a leech… a failure. I don’t ever give myself a break and it doesn’t sound like you do either. Being rational, we know it’s biological and treatable. But it doesn’t do much to quiet the voices in our heads that tell us we’re nothing. I can only hope that things turn around for you and remind you to try to listen to yourself the way you would want a friend to believe you.

    • I’m sorry you suffer with the same malady – it totally sucks. My anxiety is not as high now but the bipolar has cycled to hypomania. Sigh. The life with bipolar and mental illness.

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