Welp. Win Some, Lose Others

Good news! I haven’t been so suicidal that I haven’t had to go to the hospital! I’ve been increasingly suicidal the last week. But I’ve promised myself I won’t follow through, even when tempted to follow through.

My mom came back with me on Halloween for a few weeks, then extended to a month to help me adjust and get settled and give me moral support for the routines I need. I sadly got bronchitis so I haven’t been able to exercise, which would have helped my mood and my routines. I did adopt a cat! Charmer.

After a lovely Thanksgiving with my mom, she left and I was able to adjust for a time. Then my finances fell out from under me and my bank was not helpful. I was totally destabilized emotionally and mentally. I got help from my family and from my church and a friend’s church. One of the problems was an increase in intensity in one of my medical diagnosis and needed medical supplies and drugs.  And I would run out of food at the end of the month.

So, my family is taking me back to their house again, for a few weeks to stabilize emotionally and mentally. The rest of my life seems ok. Getting over bronchitis so I can exercise, making meals, finances stabilized. But I’m not.

I feel broken, inside and out. My mood was destabilized and it’s not righting itself. As my psychiatrist pointed out, this is a difficult time of year for me and getting family’s support would be helpful. She also wants me to practice self-forgiveness for all the financial mishaps. And self-compassion that I need help. She increased my anti-anxiety med too, since I feel more anxious too.

I feel like a failure for needing help. I feel like a failure that I let my finances blow it for me. Just when I was getting on my feet after my mom left. And now I’m going back. GRRRRR.

7 responses to “Welp. Win Some, Lose Others

  1. “I haven’t been so suicidal that I haven’t had to go to the hospital!” This statement worries me, is it a typo? 😦

  2. I think the fact that you utilized Resources says a lot! It’s one thing if you’re falling apart and sitting in your own self-pitty. You’re clearly a fighter. Kudos to you! Stay strong, keep your head up and your hopes high. Without the rain there are no flowers! 🙂

  3. You are not a failure! You’re a huge success! Think about what you go through just because of your mental illness and yet you get up every morning and show up for your life. In spite of depression, suicidal thoughts, all the awful stuff. You get up and live your life! That is more strong and resilient than 99% of people will ever need to be. So, accentuate the positives, count the wins not the losses, and keep being the wonderful and amazingly strong and resilient person you are! 💕💕💕

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