What I Want to Write

I haven’t written it yet. I have a little hope that I won’t. I’m suicidal again and have activated a safety plan that may keep me out of the hospital. Yesterday I was completely convinced I wanted to write a suicide note and overdose on my meds. Today the urge is less, but my friend has my meds, and so I have less ability to follow through. 

The urge is frantically searching for a way out of the deep pain I feel. Some other plan to die so the pain will stop. The pain of grief for 2 cats lost from my household, from a recent divorce, from the acceptance that I may never be able to work again, and be a part-time volunteer forever. The pain of a deep knowing that I will die young, perhaps at my own hand. The pain that is depression – a vice around my heart and one around my brain, squeezing life out of me, as my gut has a constant sinking feeling.

This is what I want to write:

It’s not your fault. I tried every conceivable way to deal with the intractable pain, and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I found the end of my rope and I can’t hang on anymore. I know you will weep for me, but weep also for the pain that had the power to drive me crazy. I’m not in my right mind, and I can’t find it anymore. Know that in my right mind I said and did things that showed I cared about you. And I meant it. Hold on to that, and let me go so that I don’t hurt so deeply anymore. There was nothing else you could do. Don’t blame yourself. I couldn’t fight anymore. Bipolar wins. Be mad at that.

That is what I want to write. And I’m ashamed of it, but I’m honest. At least give me credit for honesty.

5 responses to “What I Want to Write

  1. Hard to read. Honestly can be a real bitch. I hope you hang on. I really do.

  2. I have been through very similar feelings lately, I hope you find some peace from it.

  3. Please, please hold on. I’m rooting for you.

  4. HI Deborah. You don’t know me but my heart broke when I read this post. I can’t imagine how bad it hurts. I’m so very sorry. I love how raw and personal your post is. Let me tell you that you write what you want to write and when. I’ve been going through a lot of shame and guilt lately. I know how bad the pain can get and I can practically feel yours. I am Bipolar II and I’m suicidal right now with a prevention plan. I look up to people like you who show us the real struggle. But I want you to find that tiny glimmer and just hold on. One day more. One hour more. Something. Don’t let Bipolar win. Don’t give it that satisfaction.

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