Twenty-sixth hospitalization this week. Saturday night I was too obsessive about suicide and a friend took me to the ER, where I spent 14 hours waiting in a room with nothing in it for a bed to open up in the psych hospital associated with the main hospital. Fortunately I was only in the hospital for 4 days, much shorter than other hospitalizations.
I think the onset of hypomania made me more susceptible to stressors – heat, the divorce, death of my cat 2 months ago, writer critique from people who don’t know the genre, starting online dating, new and old cats who are still not cohabiting well, not enough to do to feel meaningful, onset of more intense suicidal thoughts. I live with thoughts everyday, but they were getting worse, intrusive and obsessional. If I hadn’t been going through a mood shift and didn’t have as many stressors, I might have been able to handle the suicidal desires. Alas, I was going toward hypomania and did have a lot of stressors.
I feel guilty and as though I let everyone down including myself by going in the hospital. Even though I felt just as miserable as I ever had, I still think I should have handled it as I had for the 6.5 months previous where I didn’t need the hospital. I had been able to keep suicide off the table as a possibility. And then I couldn’t. I know it was just a tune up stay, short and sweet, but the clock starts over again for how long I can go without a hospitalization. I white-knuckled several time to make it to 6.5 months. This time of year (August through December) is my hardest. I hope I don’t end up in the hospital repeatedly, but I fear I will. And I will feel guilty again and a disappointment to my ideals and those around me who support me in so many ways.