Suicidal visions are back again. I’ve always got thoughts, and I’ve been able to swat them away with my mantra and promise: Not an option, never gonna happen. Suicide was taken off the table while I was at residential treatment in February.

 If I’m completely honest with myself, it’s back on the table as an option. I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to keep my promise. My therapist and people in my support system keep telling me to stop playing with the idea, that suicide is already off the table.

But you don’t have to keep seeing yourself maim and kill yourself on a regular basis (every few minutes, interrupting what I’m doing). You don’t have pain that prevents you from cardio exercise that would regulate my mood. I’ve been depressed, but safe, for over 3 months since I got back. 

Now I’m waiting for the visions to get obsessional as they have in the past, and I’m waiting for the desire to die to grow, as it’s doing. 

And then I’m safe for a while. And then I’m not. And then I’m keeping my promise to myself. And then I’m putting suicide back on the table. 

I’m tortured.

7 responses to “Struggling

  1. I’m sorry, babe. I’ve made two promises about not killing myself to two different people. One to my dog when I first got out of the hospital after my attempt I promised my dog (who is like my baby) that I would never try to leave her again. The other, more recently, to my new boyfriend (who has been my best friend again) and absolutely can’t stand the idea of me killing myself. I promised I wouldn’t leave him either. But I know how hard it can be when depression convinces you the people you love would be better off without you.

  2. *best friend for years

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