I’ve been absent from the blog as I’m spending my writing energy on the Suddenly Bipolar book I’m working on, a memoir of being bipolar based on my experiences that I chronicled here. I miss blogging though, so I think I should intersperse my writing energy. Which might solve a problem I keep having. I’m reading posts from the past to edit them for clarity. I’m only in 2012 and I was still quite volatile then – lots of mood swings and hospitalizations. Reading about my experiences has me experiencing them again, including all the loss of no long being a pastor. I either end up with nightmares as I had them back then, about being a pastor, or I end up feeling unstable mood states and dangerous thoughts again. Or both.
I’m trying to write every day in May as something that a bunch of writers are doing – 30 or 60 minutes a day. I figured the gimmick would keep me moving on the book since I’ve been remiss on writing at least twice a week.
But dealing with fall out from the emotions tapped is so very painful. I don’t want nightmares and I don’t want unstable mood states. I’d like to think I could write the book with a little objectivity and not be so immersed emotionally. That comes later when it’s time to edit, edit, edit and you feel connected to your writing and can’t possibly take out that anecdote or whole chapter. I had hoped the writing process would be a dumping ground and a way to put my life together in a way that made some sense. Sense to a reader, and sense to me.
But that’s not happening. I think stringing blog posts isn’t working as a rough draft. Rather the posts need to be changed into mostly prose with some occasional blog posts. And right now I’m just stringing blog posts together to get the order correct so that I can follow my thoughts and feelings when I go back to work on a section.
I’m having an unstable mood and thought day after writing yesterday. I’m not sure writing every day will be good if I have to recover for a couple days after each foray into writing (or sorting as the case may be). I was reminded by my wise woman therapist that I’m dealing with very personal and emotional material and shouldn’t feel bad that it’s taking a long time or I can’t just bust out books the way compatriots of mine have done and are doing. I’m not writing about bipolar. I’m writing about BEING bipolar. Very different energy required for the personal writing.
I press onward, in responding to the unstable mood state with coping skills, and in writing. Just maybe not every day.