After my last post, I ended up in the hospital again with suicidal depression – mood shift #8 in 5 months. I’m so tired of having to go in the hospital. The reality is that my mood is shifting quickly. Perhaps since we found baseline in April, we are finally able to see how quickly my moods are changing. Perhaps I’m having a bad year. Others are having bad years too.
I got out of the hospital on Friday after Thanksgiving. The holiday in the hospital wasn’t the best, but the patients and staff made the best of it. We pulled tables together to eat as one group. We played games and watched a movie. The day’s schedule was that of a weekend, but there was a festive air. I had been stabilized by Wednesday and ready to go, but in consultation with my doctor, we decided to have me stay in the hospital for the holiday just in case not having anywhere to go would result in relapse. By Friday, I was ready to go and pushed the issue. And I got out. I had plenty to do over the weekend, and friends accommodated when needed. Thank you!!!
Then Sunday I felt a mood switch begin with moodiness and a slight mood dip, but then a delusion started and it grew. It was the one that I usually get at Christmas time, and this time it was 3 1/2 weeks early. I had premonitions of it for 1o days or so too. A mystical experience of the divine – God coming into the world and I had something big to do with it and a sense of euphoria and connection to everything. If you are religious, this might sound like a nice, healthy, or enviable experience. It Is Not! My brain tingles, my senses are heightened, and reality begins to break. The delusion can easily turn psychotic. And always, always, there is the crash afterwards into a depression, suicidal depression the last few years.
I called the next day – Monday – to get an appointment with my psychiatrist that day. By the time I saw her, it was an dysphoric mania (irritability, racing thoughts and so forth) with a growing delusion. When I saw her, she said we had a little time since I still knew my thoughts were a delusion. She boosted up my mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic, despite a history of not responding well to higher doses. We can always go down, “But,” she said, “We need to stop the mania.” I don’t think she’s seen me with a delusion as full blown as this one. Yay for me that it hasn’t been this bad in 3 1/2 years?
My therapist reminded me of the same things my psychiatrist said. Focus on good sleep, good food and exercise (hard exercise, from my therapist – more than I might otherwise do). And No Big Decisions. Get my friends on board with that one too, which I did.
So, 9 mood changes in 5 months. I think I officially qualify as a Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder, Type I. Have to say though… I want off this roller coaster! I want out of being in the hospital! I want to stay away from the poles of suicidality and psychosis!