Last night word circulated through news sources and social media that Robin Williams completed suicide. He was 63.
Every time a famous person dies, there is public mourning. This time an especially at-risk population mourns while they are triggered. Mr. Williams talked about his depression and addiction. Those in the mental health community remember their own struggles with pain and thoughts that suicide could be an end to that pain. Natasha Tracy speaks about this: Dealing with Depression in the Wake of Robin Williams’ Death.
If you need help right now, contact someone, anyone, or call the US National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK.
This morning, after spending yesterday OFF social media and news because I was so triggered, I’m annoyed that people don’t understand why I’m still triggered.
1. Natasha’s article helped normalize my feelings and response – yes, one of our community is gone by what we alternately fear and fantasize about. But we celebrate his life and celebrate each other’s life.
2. I hate that I’m still so triggered that I’m thinking about suicide.
I hate that I’m not sure if I’m safe going for a bike ride because my thoughts are disordered from being in a mood transition.
I can distract myself for a little bit.
I hate that the distraction is not enough to reset my thoughts away from suicide.
The mania I’m experiencing makes energy and completion real possibilities. The trigger makes death seem like the only way out of the pain.
I understand. Oh, how I understand!
Community is safety.
Secrecy is the lie our brains tell us because many have told us thoughts and actions are shameful.
I still don’t know if I can ride my bike.
Sitting here doesn’t make it better.