I’m not doing well. It’s been building all week. Obsessive suicidal thoughts from the OCD are so intrusive it doesn’t matter if I’m engaged in conversation or activity. It’s always an option for me. Not that I want it, but I crave it with an obsession.
When talking with my doc today, she wants me to keep from isolating, take the benzo I have (which only makes me tired), and continue to use skills. The hospital is always there but she wants it as a farther last result.
But I’m working my butt off with skills. I’m exhausted from skills. I cried for hours yesterday at a safe place I stayed for hours. Finally could pact with myself to go home and just go to bed early. Hard but I still got to my outpatient program, where I heard the above from my doc.
Driving is dangerous, since I’m alone and crashing figures prominently in one of my obsessional visions.
Another example from today: I was at home picking up a couple things before going to a friend’s to be babysat basically. And I Almost overdosed. This is not funny. I’m so sick of this.
Sometimes they are just visions. Sometimes they are strong urges. I list reasons to stay, and when urges are strong the lists mean nothing.
I’m ashamed that I’m like this. But I can’t stop my brain. I just can’t.