I’ve been having an up and down time. In good news, my depression is lifting a little bit. I have a bit more energy. On a scale of 1 to 1o, I went from 2 to 3. Not much but noticeable!
More good news: while talking with my psychiatrist, my therapist from the morning program I’m in finally understood that even though my depression is lifting a little bit, my suicidal thoughts are not going away, and in fact are of an obsessive nature (OCD). I explained this to him, but he finally understood it. So, he is looking for skills or something that can maybe help me with the constant suicidality.
When asked to describe what it’s like to have these obsessive thoughts, I said, “It’s like always having a rat walking behind you. It doesn’t always nip your ankles, but sometimes it does. And it enjoys nipping at your ankles. The rat never leaves, just like the suicidal thoughts. You can never get rid of it. It’s always in your mind, but sometimes it bites (urges become strong). And the urges, the nipping, makes the rat, the thoughts, stronger.”
Maybe that image will help you understand what it is like to live my life. The thoughts never leave. The urges get stronger. The cycle never leaves. Ever.