Since discharge from the hospital, I’ve been in a M-F morning outpatient program. The therapist you get is randomly assigned. I was suspicious since specific therapies had worked for me over the last couple years (DBT and ACT). I did hear that this therapist knew those therapies very well, and even though the skills groups might contradict the therapies, at least my therapist should be a good fit. More on that later.
Over the last week and a half I’ve had a rough time in the program and keeping myself occupied and safe afterwards. It’s like a roller coaster because the week has been dragging me up toward something that works, then free-falling back toward suicidality. I’m very resistant and defiant to the therapy, skeptical that there is anything new under the sun that can help me pull my self out of this. That’s the carousel part: up and down and around in a circle with therapies and drugs to try to find something that will pull me out of this funk. There is nothing new under the sun in my experience at this point. I’m skeptical.
I found out from my dr (I’m back to seeing my regular outpatient dr) that I’m not being treating for depression at the doses I’m on. So, I’m basically in untreated bipolar depression. No Wonder I Feel Like Shit! She is slowly titrating drugs up. We won’t know if it works until it’s been at a therapeutic dose for several weeks. So, I have WEEKS until I’m treated and then more weeks to find out if this drug will work. I’m trying to hold out some hope that this isn’t yet another failure. This is basically the last possible antidepressant available to me. I have little hope.
Even though I’ve been very suicidal for days at a time over the weekend, enough to keep a packed bag in the car, my therapist wants me to stay out so he can work with me. He assures me that he is different. He knows the therapies I know. He knows my cycles that get me back into the hospital. And he’s also trying to call my bluff to see what I really, truly want to do: live or die. I honestly don’t know. In a perfect world, one I don’t live in, I want to live, yet without suicidal thoughts. Just a regular life with energy to do something interesting and lasting. This dream is elusive, especially for the last 4 days when I probably should have been in the hospital. Today, again confrontational, my therapist says not to be scared and jump in to life even if it’s manic. Yes, I’ll be fighting drs, but I may be fully living. I’m depressed now. It may not be as worse as it will get. Why not try to jump in/lean in/stop being scared of life?
So I’m deeply and untreated depressed. I’m plagued with on and off suicidal urges that I like the control of thinking I can follow though. And I’m challenged and sort of want to be wholly who I am, someone I don’t really know because I’m scared to be manic, which is the only person I know besides this depressed person for the last 3.5 years since diagnosis.