I finally found a Christmas tree shop! (The small business kind that pop up in parking lots…) The tree I got is a little smaller than I had expected, but it is about 5 feet with that stick that sticks straight up, perfect for a star, an angel, or a large ornament, whatever your pleasure be.
I’m excited to have a tree and will decorate its tomorrow when its branches have fallen open a bit more. I was even able to screw the stand in more permanently by myself (and fill with sugar water, of course). Competence – things I can do by myself that I usually relied on others to do.
Having a tree and decorating for Advent/Christmas also feels like settling into my new place. Yet settling into the new place feels like treason, as though I don’t deserve to have some happiness or some of my own space because of all that has gone on for the last 3 months.
Then there are all the memories of picking out a tree with him, often done on our anniversary (this coming Saturday). I was able to pick out my own pretty mindfully and not listen too much to the chatter in the back of my mind reminding me that this is something we do together. I am trying to reclaim Christmas, as hard as a season as that has been for me.