So, tonight I’m not highly, irrationally irritated as I was last night.
Tonight I’m triggered. I’ve got high anxiety and doing ok with not panicking. I could use someone who knows the whole story to talk to. But that’s not possible right now.
I am not happy in my outpatient program where everyone else is there for dual diagnosis – which means a mental illness of some kind plus chemical dependency of some sort. In the groups that means that conversations quickly turn toward how a person is dealing with life with, or trying without, alcohol or drugs. These are really good conversations to have. It’s just NOT the ones I need to be having. And, the therapeutic approach is one I’ve been in A LOT and which doesn’t work for me: change your thoughts, get happier feelings, make better decisions. That is a very reductionistic approach, but at the same time that’s what is happening so far.
THEN, as “part of the program,” everyone got a breathalyzer and a complicated pee test where they even turn the water off and put crystals in the water and a bunch of other things. Really??!! What part of never-tried-illicit-drugs-and-don’t-drink-alcohol do they not understand. I totally feel embarrassed and guilty of these things now that I have to go through random drug screenings too. I might feel better about it had I KNOWN that there could be random screenings, which helps others in the program.
** I did call my inpatient therapist and my outpatient therapist to see what I should do about being in this program.
The other thing setting me off tonight is seeing papers from a place I used to work three years ago. I was looking for social security papers, and I was pretty sure I had sorted through things so I wouldn’t run into the early papers. Apparently this was not the case. So, I got a nice jolt of regret and pain as I handled papers.
All of these things are contributing to an emotionally unstable evening.
This is getting old.