I’m sick of this. I’m drawn to this. I’m repulsed by this.
I talked though skills I can use because what was behind this particular impulse is that I would be heading back to work tomorrow for a few hours. I’m off program on Thursdays so I can see my therapist on Thursdays. (Insurance says I can’t bill two providers in the same day = can’t see therapist on same day in intensive day program. DUMB). Since I’d be off program I planned to go to work and then to my therapist, as though it was a regular Thursday.
Today I freaked out about returning to work, particularly if we ended up with another “don’t share your experience with the rest of the staff to protect them from your pain” talk or the “we’re not sure you are the right one for this job” talk. Even if neither of these happened, there is the ‘mask’ of being ok that is expected. Perhaps – likely? – I created the expectation that I would look ok, even when I was unstable. I don’t know that I can show up, do work, AND appear unstable.
I worked out a plan that helped the urge to attempt dissipate. I’m not going to work together. But now sitting here, the bottle of tylenol next to me is talking to me. So are the prescriptions in the bathroom, many of which that would just send me to sleep without waking up.
I HATE THIS
How can I have the urge to die at the same time as looking forward to something in life?