Woke up a bit less unsettled this morning, and then all day obsessive and intrusive thoughts have been increasing all day. I get reprieves during the day, sometimes for up to half an hour. Then the dangerous visions and desires are back.
I wish I could say I don’t want to do these things. I know I’m sick when I want to. Sometimes I want to, just to make the thoughts and feelings go away! I want to follow through on hurting myself. This is a dangerous spot to be in.
If I call my doctor or therapist, they are decidedly unhelpful. They say if I’m a danger to myself or others, to go to the hospital. They say only I know if I need to go in the hospital. Would they just give me some guidance????
When I’m like this – thoughts and desires and feelings all mixed up – I can’t think straight. I keep trying to keep myself safe and at the same time I don’t know minute to minute whether I can keep myself safe. Being away from items that play a role in my visions gives me a sense of safety. So that means no sharp objects, no cars. It scares me when I get visions of hurting others as I did this weekend. That doesn’t happen! Only other time I did I was on a drug that flipped me from suicidal to homicidal in about 24 hours. No more Effexor for me!
I’m going to call my psychiatrist and then my therapist again. I’m sure they’ll be as helpful as ever. <frowny face>