Now that I am my thoughts are less obsessive and more intrusive, I can reflect a bit more.
It is ok, normal and expected that I would feel anxious, angry, sad and troubled with all the change I’ve been through particularly in the last few weeks. And when under stress, uncomfortable feelings express themselves for me in intrusive and obsessive thoughts of wanting to hurt and kill myself. And apparently hurt others (as evidenced yesterday).
The rational thoughts, the diffusive thoughts that I use to react to the obsessions include that it is normal to feel what I’ve feeling, it’s ok to feel what I’m feeling, my brain is doing what it’s supposed to do – react to perceived danger, my thoughts are just obsessions, I can choose my own behavior, just because I have these thoughts and feelings, I don’t have to do what they say.
When I’m having such a hard time, as I was yesterday and especially last night, it’s usually because I AM EXHAUSTED by telling myself this every other minute for an entire day. There is only so much energy any human being has. And I spent mine yesterday fighting for my life when I wanted to end it.
Think about that for a minute.
I did not have a Saturday. I had a day fighting for my life when all my thoughts and feelings tell me to hurt and kill myself. I’m glad I wasn’t also trying to work while doing this.
Today, Sunday, I hope my day is not the same. It is starting out with less intensity in my thoughts and feelings but they are still there. I will still be fighting for my life today. Even though I don’t want to. This is the dichotomy. Imagine living with that.