Note: I am working closely with my care team. I write plainly here in order to process my own thoughts and feelings.
I am angry! Angry because I am of two minds all the time!
Mind 1. I have been moving toward a whole life again, making progress toward well-articulated goals: work full-time at a job that makes a difference in a world (social services, non-profits or medical); a full and satisfying marriage with my best friend, partner and lover; travel the world’s islands, including the oceans and wildlife in them; rescue cats; a life full of rich friendships.
Mind 2. I want to kill myself. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to live like this. Even when using my skills to the hilt, the thoughts and feelings of never-ending pain haunt me. Despair. Debilitating anxiety. Fear that I want to hurt and kill myself. Obsessive and grotesque visions of ways to hurt and kill myself. If I could end my life without pain, I would in a heartbeat.
It exhausts me completely, utterly, to work these skills to stay alive so hard yet start over every.single.day. with the same pain waiting to grind down any resolve. Friends, please, Please, have mercy. Let the pain of my disappearance not be the reason to hold on. Or for me to hold on.
Right before I go into the hospital, I am caught between these two minds and cannot distinguish which one I want more. That’s where I have been today.
I hate my life.