My mood has been off the last few days. Suicidal thoughts run rampant in my constantly racing thoughts. I’m used to racing thoughts and to having a few suicidal thoughts every day and I know techniques to ignore them. What makes these different is that (1) they are very frequent and (2) desire is accompanying the thoughts.
I’m trying to ride the wave of the feelings and let the thoughts pass. I’m able to do this a lot of the time. I really have internalized all the skills I’ve been taught. Which is great news!
The increased frequency is disturbing though. Especially accompanied with actual desire instead of just the usual silent swear word as I let the thought pass through and exit my mind.
I don’t know what has triggered this shift in mood. It could be the illness rearing its head and needing a tweak in medicine. More likely it’s stress. I am working more hours. And we are moving toward the major fundraiser of the year for the nonprofit where I work. I’m not involved in the planning, but my supervisor is neck deep. Perhaps I’m internalizing her stress. Today is the 24th anniversary of my scoliosis back surgery that saved my life. My spine is fused around a harrington rod, T3-L4. This anniversary used to cause me incredible angst. For several years now, I just acknowledge it, and the pain it has caused. They just are.
So, maybe the combination of internalized stress and the upcoming and now arrived anniversary has triggered suicidal thoughts.
Perhaps a hospitalization is looming. SIGH
Today I’m calling friends, and probably my therapist. She usually recommends hospitalization by the time I get around to calling her. Maybe if I call earlier I can just be reminded of different skills?