I’ve had a week now to try to get used to the idea that I have cancer. It is probably a cancer that can be easily gotten rid of with a surgery, with no more recurrence. Thank goodness!

Honestly, I’ve spent a lot of time laughing about the whole situation all week. Like we don’t have enough to deal with! Like I don’t already have so much wrong with my body that I don’t need more! I asked D , “Is it funny or just dark that I always thought I’d get cancer, just a matter of when? Seems like everyone gets cancer eventually.” Didn’t really get an answer.

I still think this is rather hilarious, even as it is deadly serious, sure. It’s not a ‘laugh-or-else-I’ll-cry’ funny. It’s just funny, and I don’t know why. Probably just that I’ve gone through so much, why not add a malignant tumor on top of that???

I’ve been seeing lots of doctors that last few weeks, as though I’m trying to get a bunch of things healthy that I’ve put off. Seems to be 3-4 appointments a week – a lot of energy being spent on getting the body working well, but each step just adds another procedure or surgery to the list. GIANT SIGH

This week I checked in with my psychiatrist, though mostly about how surgery or chemo could affect my meds. Tuesday I had the pre-op with my new primary care doctor, including blood work, EKG and chest x-rays. Wednesday I saw my back doctor about the pain that was getting worse with physical therapy. Inflammation that had gone away with the steroid injections 6 weeks ago has come back. The next step is to do a medial branch block of the levels giving me trouble. Then I won’t feel any pain signals being sent from those branches. (The next step if that doesn’t work is to burn the nerves until they grow back and probably burn them again). And Thursdays I see my therapist.

Next week, while still working the 15 hours a week at the job I love (…

  • Monday – prepare for PET scan with high protein, no/low carb diet, and barely moving (literally told me to sit on couch and watch tv or read a book….)
  • Tuesday – PET scan in the morning, work in afternoon
  • Wednesday – Work in morning and medial branch block injections (6 shots in the back) in the afternoon.
  • Thursday – work in morning, therapist in afternoon
  • Friday – just work.


So far I am doing ok. I’m handling it. My thoughts are racing, racing, racing all the time and are especially bad in the morning. I feel like my speech is pressured (a sign of mania, along with the racing thoughts). I am very irritable, with a lot of swearing (not usual for me). Yet all of this is completely normal considering the situation, and not necessarily signs of mania. The bipolar will probably be kept in check this whole time by keeping to my usual sleeping/eating/activity schedule.

I am keeping my psychiatrist and therapist in on the symptoms though, so we don’t get caught off-guard while our vision is focused on tumors and nerve blocks.

2 responses to “Laughter

  1. Deb,
    As best you can, focus on the fact that this cancer can be cut out and you can move on. That is quite positive and hopeful. Lots of people are praying for you. I wish we could understand why we sometimes get slammed with bad news and awful events at the same time, but I don’t think I’m going to get any answers on that one anytime soon. Take gentle care of yourself. we love you.

    • Thank you Teresa! It’s helping knowing that so many are walking this with me. I’m finding it more challenging since I’m managing the mental illness while trying to absorb and deal with cancer. Too much at once, and I don’t want to explode.

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