A lot has happened in the last month. The primary task has been getting used to working 15 hours a week. I love what I do, even though I’m still on a learning curve, including learning software for updating the agency’s website, graphic design software to design newsletters and such in-house, and database software to manage donor information to know who to send our cool stuff to. Plus weekly e-newsletter, updating website and twitter and facebook. Now that I’ve been at it for 6 weeks, I’m settling into the routine which adds to my mood stability.
While trying to assimilate my body rhythms and moods to the job, I’ve also had a lot of medical appointments. Physical therapy for my back after the Z-joint injections at L5 & S1 was a bust. It just gave me headaches that turned into migraines. I think it was moving my pelvis too much (my personal theory this whole time about what is causing pain – body mechanics, structural misalignment). So, back to the physiatrist again next week to see if we do more injections, or burn the nerves, or what. I need to get moving and exercising again! It’s good for mental health as well as for losing weight and being healthy.
I finally was able to face some medical issues that I was supposed to deal with in December. I made the appointments, but ended up in the hospital for deep depression (as you may remember). And I wasn’t able to face dealing with these issues until now. Just seemed too overwhelming to handle more in my life, especially once I started working. But this month I felt it was time. So, I made the appointment to deal with bladder issues and am moving forward with that, including being on the list for physical therapy again. (SIGH)
AND, this month I also saw an ENT about a lump by my parotid gland (salivary gland). I have had it for probably 5 years. It very occasionally hurt. Sometimes it hurt when I took a first bite of something. I brought it up one time when I saw a doctor for a sinus infection. She thought it was a lymph node swollen because of the infection. Then at my last physical, my new doctor wanted me to get a CT with contrast, which led to needing a biopsy. And… many of you now know the outcome of that. Turns out the lump is malignant, and will need to be removed. Probably no chemo will be needed, unless it has spread through the lymphatic system. I’ll be having a PET scan soon to see if the malignancy has spread to the nearby lymph nodes.
Yes, I am kinda freaking out. I’ve been surrounded by friends and family as I’ve announced this yesterday and today. I’m so grateful for all the well-wishes and prayers. I’m using coping skills to stay in the moment, and to remember we have a plan, though still in the early stages of narrowing that plan down. I can’t seem to pray still, or feel others’ prayers. But I’m trying to imagine the energy people are sending as light and being surrounded by their presence. I think that helps. I hope that helps.
Dave and I have been living in a space of waiting for the other shoe to drop for 5+ years now? And the other shoe keeps dropping. Will we ever catch a break? I am worried about how walking through this jagged path will affect the bipolar tendencies. I need to stay stable to make it through this. Drugs, surgery, schedule disruption, anxiety – all can set off the bipolar.