I thought the 4-day Labor Day weekend would help me rest and adjust to my new energy expenditures of having a job. I seem to have thought wrong. Now, I did do laundry, and spent a couple hours cleaning up after the cats and vacuuming the main floor. I ordered items from Peapod and put them away once delivered. Cooked once or twice. Went to physical therapy and now do a few more exercises a day. Got a massage that tried to ease attachments near my pelvis (which means a LOT of pain – no restful massages for me!). And today I was going to work with D to try to become a partner in our finances again. Look at bank balance online. Put together a budge that we can hold to, including a savings plan using my new part time income.
Now that I write it all down, that’s a lot for four days, based on my current condition – still healing. It didn’t seem too much as I tried to plan it out. I most definitely Do Not want to get into the habit of burning candles at both ends or putting too much on my to do list, even at home. Part of this time in my life is to establish and practice healthy habits. Appropriate expectations is a huge habit I need to cultivate. I abused that one my whole life, for a variety of reasons – patterns shown to me, bipolar mania in effect while in school, etc etc etc.
As my energy has waned over the weekend, I noticed a trigger that I’ve had for a while. When I hear music that talks of death (real or flippant), suicide (real or flippant), or movies that do the same, I’m triggered to question whether I’m in that state. So, my energy is lower, and my thoughts are wandering. This doesn’t feel like a good place to be.
What can I do to be in a better place? Two questions: energy and thoughts. Energy might be moot. I really do need to work on budget stuff with D and we can limit the time so it doesn’t take all day or a ton of energy. AND I really need to rest to try to get energy for another week, and to take care of myself – good habit.
Regarding thoughts…I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I might always have suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I try to keep those to the back of my conscious mind so that I can still live life. That task takes a TON of energy. If the thoughts shout too loudly or move closer to the front of my brain, I’m not able to hold them off (time to get help!). When my resistance is lower, such as now when my energy is lower, this coping skill becomes extremely difficult again.
I guess the solution is rest, rest, rest. I already know pain can cause suicidal thoughts to be worse, so I need to stay on top of pain. I know lower energy can make my resistance lower, so I need to gain energy. And I know that I am still adjusting to a new schedule and responsibilities and face time appearing normal, all of which are energy sucking.
I still feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. And still have no hope that I won’t end up in the hospital again, despite my efforts to find equilibrium.