Today I woke up and felt so much in pain and so discouraged to the point of desolation that I turned over and thought a few more hours of sleep might help. Um…. No. When the pain was too much in bed, I tried to turn over to sit up, causing even more and sharper pain. And I noted that my mood was even worse than before. Now I had plans for hurting myself, enough to get in the hospital and into a coma, or on so many drugs I would have no way of knowing whether I was conscious or not.
I’m scared of all the pain I have. Rationally I know I’m in a bad pain cycle. Rationally I know that I’ll be getting 4 facet joint injections in a week and that may reduce my pain significantly (or not, but I’m hoping). Rationally I know that I have lived through a lot of pain, that it is my companion, and that I will get through this too. I’m still scared though.
I’m scared that the pain has been affecting my mood so much this month. Rationally I know that I’ve been under a lot of stress (pain, seeing doctors, applying for and being offered a job). Rationally I know that pain changes how we think (documented medical studies). Rationally I know that I’m not likely to hurt myself, just wish that I could do it.
I’m scared, though, when the fear and pain are so strong as it was today that the desire becomes close to overwhelming. And the plans filter in. And I’m looking around for implements. And I wish with all my being not to be here at all, despite all the people I’m connected to. And I become convinced I’m alone, physically in my pain and in my spiraling mood, as well as metaphysically alone that there isn’t any sort of higher power, love, force, relationship that would make living like this worth it.
I’m useless to myself when I’m physically and mentally incapacitated this way. And I’m useless to others close to me or in the world too.
So, this is just another of my whiny posts about being close to suicidal. I write about it to see if clearing my thoughts will lessen the desire. I have no hope that I won’t be in this position again sooner rather than later. This time I know that the pain is affecting my mood, something I’ve shared with my physical and mental doctors. Everyone is concerned. Everyone tells me the hospital is always available if it becomes too much. Hard to make the decision to go to the hospital if you don’t want to be saved just to live in so much physical or mental agony.
That’s my story for today. Sorry it’s such a downer. Just where I am today.