I had the wonderful privilege to hear the Chicago Gay Men’s Chorus in a benefit concert for The Trevor Project, which is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth. Beautiful music, fun spirit, and we raised twice as much for The Trevor Project as the group expected.
Despite taking it easy this morning so that I’d have energy this afternoon for all the face-time with people and being in public, I came home completely wiped out. One reason, sadly, is that this afternoon I have NOT been in a good place. Lots of shouting thoughts about leaving the planet, not wanting to be alive and ways to do make it so. I hate this!!! Such a waste of decent energy to combat the thoughts, stay in the present moment, follow safety plan, use skills. All so that I don’t follow through, when I’m not even sure that I want to stay. I hate this!!! Did I say that already?
What boggles my mind is that I can have had a lovely time at the concert and be lifted up and plunged down deep by beautiful music. AND I can hear an internal voice that wants to push me over the edge into suicidality again. Both at the same time. It’s similar to putting one foot in front of the other and doing things I’m supposed to in order to get better: volunteering, exercising, taking my meds, being social, eating healthy, increasing care of the house and cooking. And I can enjoy many of these things. AND not have hope that I will get better or get to the next stage of health. I realize I’m so much better than I was a year ago. Yet I have this never-ending tickle and voice in my head that I will not make it and there isn’t enough to live for.
I didn’t use to be this way. It’s wearying to be this way, for two years. I wish y’all could just hand me hope so I can hold on, but it doesn’t work that way. It has to come from inside.