I’ve been coming home from volunteering feeling high, but then crash after five minutes. I could easily fall asleep. In an effort to break my nap habit, I try to engage in activity. Usually I’m just a zombie on the couch though.
Then I read this article again: ‘High Functioning’ Bipolar Disorder . A gentle reminder that it takes Tons Of Energy to make my brain work and to appear normal and socialize with co-workers. When I get home, I collapse. And so do many (most?) bipolar people who work.
It’s good not to feel alone.
Yesterday I came home from The LeaderShop after 3 hours of volunteering and did the same routine. I stayed up and found activities to do – read, watch tv, Facebook and Twitter, cook dinner. Yet as the day and evening wore on, without getting rest, I could feel my mood get darker and darker.
And then I hit the point where I start asking myself if this is worth it, and why do I keep struggling to make this happen. What makes life worth living. See, I haven’t really accepted that there is hope yet. I’m just not a danger to myself and I’m trying to live a healthy life. Maybe it will get better? I guess that’s a kind of hope.
Had I taken a nap, I may not have hit that point. But these thoughts and this lack of hope have been behind the “regular” thoughts and actions for a while now. They never really goes away. They just scream at different decibels depending on various factors.