So, in the past 30 hours, both my therapist and psychiatrist have asked if I need to go back into the hospital and explained in detail when I would need to go. But ultimately it’s my decision. Only I can decide if I can keep myself safe. When I can’t, I go straight to the hospital.
I don’t feel impulsive, or very anxious. Which makes the images/plans/thoughts in my head almost more scary because they are making sense. They are rational. I am making rational plans to do something terrible. It won’t be an impulsive action, it will be well-planned. This.Is.Not.Good! This Is Why I Wonder If I Need To Be In The Hospital.
My pattern seems to be for the depression to dip into suicidality every 3 months, and the only remedy is to wait it out. We finally found a drug combination that seems to be working (after a year and a half of trying a score or more of drugs!). So wait until the thoughts leave is what’s left. Usually it takes a few weeks. But this last time I faced these thoughts …
This last time it took 2 months. I don’t want to do this again. I get that I don’t have a choice, that here I am, and it’s up to me to use all the skills I’ve learned. The main one I’m using is living my life. Doing the things on my list of things to do, following my schedule, acting as normal as possible, trying to stay as busy as possible. This was something I wasn’t able to do before, and I’m grateful I can do this now. I don’t think I had enough time with the schedule for it to anchor me to the earth the way I need it to do, however.
Because the thoughts are so intrusive so much of the time, I find myself separated from what’s going on around me because I’m focusing on letting the thoughts go. Sometimes saying “Stop!” in my head and reminding myself that I have the power and I choose what actions I take. But doing that damage control means I feel distanced from what is really going on – driving, walking, chopping vegetables, computer work.
Well, if you don’t hear from me for a while, it means I’m in the hospital and will return when I can.