Settling into Neutral

On the advice of a friend (thanks A.!) and then corroborated by my therapist, I will not be taking part in Holy Week activities this year. They are just days to me for now. I may or may not attend Easter services. I have both positive and negative experiences that I’m experiencing as flashbacks. Positive: leading people through Holy Week services. Negative: being in the hospital last year since I couldn’t deal with the grief of not doing that job. So, this year, we will try for neutral. Goal: Make it through the week without ending up in the hospital again.

Request: I could use focused prayer to make it through the week.

Because I’m not in a good mental space today. I’m having these flashbacks and trying to ignore what has been a major part of my life for two decades.

And because I’m just suffering inside. I was feeling the suffering as a haunting feeling, then it hit me when I did Qi Gong today. The first movement is looking in at the stillness and then light within. But when I look inside… I see and feel blackness. A black hole sucking me in. Deep hopelessness. No soul. I know I am not a child of God.

These thoughts and feelings have been plaguing me for months. Some days I can ignore them. Other days they swarm around me and pull me under. Even when I’m having a good day, they are still there.

This is not the way I used to experience life. I used to experience a sense of purpose that was mine to discover and fulfill, a sense of light and hope, a sense that God was around in so many, many forms. None of these exist right now.

And I’m worried that the blackness will pull me farther in than I can bear. So far no plans to harm myself, but I do still want to not exist. Racing thoughts fill my day and my sleep, though lessened through medication. I just want all of this to stop. And peace.

This sucks.

10 responses to “Settling into Neutral

  1. Can we be your light on the outside? Not to ignore your soul, but to find some relief from the darkness?

  2. Keeping you (as always) in my prayers

  3. I wish I could magically change the darkness you are experiencing.

    Since I can’t change what you are feeling, thinking or experiencing, I would like permission to believe on your behalf and to continue to hold you in prayer. As much as you cannot see light within yourself – I do see light within you (in your writing, in your openness, in your empathy and on your intentional engagement with us.) As much as you do not feel or believe or know that you are a child of God, I have no doubt that you are a child of God. I also don’t doubt that your experience is completely your present reality. I pray that you will continue to work the strategies you have in place and maybe not worry too much about believing right now – just focus on moving toward wholeness.

  4. I think A and your therapist are very wise. And I know you can reach your goal! Sending hugs and light and prayer.

    • Thank you! So far, so good. I think I can find support to stay out and just try to ignore the whole thing. Hope you have a lovely time with family in Vermont!

  5. This is an ally’s role: to hold faith in you and believe in you when you cannot do that for yourself. We are your allies, though good and through bad. Love you.

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